She Decided to Start Living the Life She'd Imagined


Today sort of feels like it's going to be a rough day.

Last night Josh had to keep Bernie (my boss's dog) until Ken, my boss, got back from his trip today. I got a really uncomfortable allergy attack before bed and in the middle of the night. I come into work today with glasses on because I'm too embarrassed for my puffy eyes to be shown to my co-workers. But then again it doesn't help when someone says, "Gosh Betsy, you sure do look tired today." Awesome thanks, definitely what I wanted to hear.

I was thinking about something yesterday, just sitting on my bed I thought, I'm not happy. And again this morning at my desk, looking out the window watching all of the leaves fall, I'm not happy. If I were to smile it wouldn't be true, it would only be out of courtesy. I'll even say, "Great!" when you ask me how I'm doing but really, I'm just not.
I'm not fulfilled by being here...this place in my life, as nice as it is to be on my own- to have a couple of fun jobs- whatever whatever....I'm not happy. Last Sunday hanging out with the girls I was happy, I felt content where I was that afternoon. But now, today sitting in my chair with puffy eyes and binding papers, I'm not.
I want so much more out of this time in my life and I don't know what it is. Am I not trying hard enough? I mean I'm working my butt off to pay rent and bills...the occasional grocery visit and what ever else decides to come my way...but I'm not fulfilled.

Honestly I want to travel. I would so much rather be on a plane or being active than sitting in the office being pissed at my annoying cowboy boot wearing co-worker. I'm just done.

A while ago I posted a picture of a journal I found online with the words " She decided to start living the life she'd imagined" on the front. I want so badly to do that. With all of my heart I want to be able to do what I love.
Wouldn't that be spectacular?