Sometimes there are things in life that you have to do that couldn't be more heart breaking or sad. Tonight I had to do one of those things.
As I've rambled in this blog and another, I've frequently mentioned my move to California with one of my best friends Jessica. Since around September/October we have been talking about, making plans, and buying furniture to move there. I was more than gung-ho (?) about moving. If ever there is an adventurer or able to move quickly-er, then I would be your gal. All along I knew my dad wasn't that happy about it. Truly I thought it was him just being a dad, weary of his little girl moving away across the country, but little did I know his thoughts and feelings ran much deeper than that. Monday afternoon we got into a big discussion about the move and his feelings toward it. Turns out he was/is adamently against it. He spoke with such certainty and force. He was not going to back down, for that I was sure.
I was ticked. There we stood again talking about how there was so much at risk, how we had no plan, how he would have to rescue me, etc etc etc. I thought that it had been settled, I thought for sure I was moving and that and sad as it would be on his part, it was going to happen. Our conversation was interrupted by an extended family member coming to stay for the night. Once the doorbell rang I ran upstairs in a tiff and got ready for college group. We really didn't talk much for the rest of the night which is how I deal with things....let me not talk to you for a little bit and I'll collect my thoughts and get back to you. The next morning I went in his office to ask of when we would take my car in to get it fixed- he said, "You know what, I don't know. If you want to do things on your own, then figure it out."
Say what? Never has my dad spoken to me like that. At that moment I understood he was seriously pissed, more than I realized. I walked to my room, sat on the bed and cried my eyes out. The last thing I want right now is another opposing force, I mean gosh it's hard enough already to leave my family and friends, but then to have my dad yell at me like that? At that very moment life sucked and I didn't want to deal. A minute later (still in the process of sobbing), he barges in my room and neals on the floor to explain himself. To make a long story short, we talked for quite a while. The conversation ended well which led to my contemplating not moving.
I felt and feel such a loyalty to Jessica. She is one of my best friends and one of the coolest people I know, In no way did I want to bail out so late in the game after we had to so much emotion, thought, and even furniture into it. I couldn't do that.
Let me shorten this for you: I have decided not to move for various reasons. Financially it's not the smartest decision because the move across the country will cost about $800 and neither of us had found jobs. Emotionally, I would be leaving my family and friends- relationships I've put so much time and effort into to just put aside for a move. In moving out there, I wouldn't have a goal or plan. I was moving out there for an adventure and for Jessica. Though soon enough she would get married and I would essentially have to "fend for myself" to find a place to live.
I spent the next two days with jumbled thoughts of confusion, sadness and utterly distraught feelings. What do I tell her? How do I tell her? How do I say it? So tonight we sat in the noisy Starbucks and I broke the news to her.
Her eyes said it all. No matter how many times she repeated the phrases, "I'm fine! It'll all work out, promise." or "No don't worry, I'm fine." or "No betsy, serisously, it'll work out. I'm fine." I knew she was lying, her eyes welled with tears and then they slowly started to fall down her face. My heart is broken, I have broken Jessica's heart. What have I done? I'm the worst person ever!
I tried to console her in saying that I would be getting an apartment in the next couple months and that she was the obvious first choice for a roommate. I tried to convinvce here that we could be Nashville friends with a life lived in the city for a few months. "Jordan can move here, just as he wanted and you can plan the wedding here", I'd say. But I don't know if it helped at all. We left starbucks and walked the mall discussing the pros and cons of moving and staying. I seemed that staying was the best choice, though it may just be because I want her to stay.
It is never fun or fulfilling when you tell someone something that will let them down and break a promise.
I pray with all that I am that things will work out, and I know that they will. How it is they'll turn out, I'm not so sure. This isn't something I want to lose or lessen a frienship over. I love her and respect her dearly and want the absolute best for her.
Sometimes life doesn't hand you the easiest pitch, but you have to swing with all your might to hit it and believe it's a homerun.
-bets